It's a him

Doctor says i am to have a boy come Valentine's day.  A little cherub for our family to welcome into our love web and embrace him as we did each of his sisters before him.  He'll be our little man and i already have visions of baby girl #1 and baby girl #2 fighting for his attention.  Hopefully my vision of each of them holding one of his arms and tugging will not come true!

They already kiss him and whisper "Love you's" and Isabella affectionately calls him "My little dodo!"  As in "Hiiiii my little dodo!!!"  "I love youuuu my little dodo!"  The other day, she and i sat down and watched Alice in Wonderland.  When the Dodo bird appeared her eyes got super big and she whipped her head around to me and asked, "Is that what my baby brother looks like?"  Did i mention she thought she invented the word "dodo?"

Julianna sneaks over to me and looks up into my eyes and i know what ther eyes are asking me, "Pull up your shirt mama, i wanna kiss him again" and then she lays one on my stomach and runs off before anyone can see her.  I think she would like it if even i didn't see.  As if she wants that moment to be just between her and little brother.  She's learning to say his name and it comes out like this: "Obb-ert"

Yes, we are naming him Robert.  No he will not be a junior as his middle name will not match his dad's.  His middle name will be Carlos.  Perfectly fitting in with the naming of our other two kids.  Naming him after our family members, Robert (his dad) and Carlos (my dad).  He will be our little man indeed!  Already caring such a mature name for just a wee little one.

And just like with the previous two, i hold him close at night (even if a big belly is in the way) and whisper to him how much i already love him.  I was nervous when i was pregnant with Julianna.  I thought, "how will i love another as much as my sweet baby girl Isabella?"  But my heart grew to encompass the love i have for our second born.  Another phenomenon us mothers perform!

Pumpkin Carving

The night before Halloween after work, Bobby and I threw a little pumpkin carving party for the girls.  We invited Bobby's parents and his sister Ginger and family over.  Ginger brought hot chocolate and marshmallows and Bobby's mom made us all chili beans! It was amazing.

There was a lot of rushing around to purchase the pumpkins after work.  I was a little frustrated when i went to the store and they told me they were out of the pumpkin carving sets.  "Oh well, i guess we'll just use our steak knives" thought went through my head.  Like with all little things we do for our kids, i stress out and make little hiccups more of a problem than they need to be.

My house was a mess so i had to do a quick sweep before everyone arrived.  Thankfully, Bobby was picking up the kids for me and like the gem that he is, he found a pumpkin carving kit at another store! Love him.

As were carving the pumpkins, little Julianna (my little destructo) is fishing in the pumpkin guts and getting messy.  So i freak out a little again but then calm myself down because, hey that is half the fun right? Playing with those pumpkin guts!

At the end of the night, we had three pumpkins carved out of 7 and my precious Isabella tells me, "Mama, today was good day!"

And that right there makes all the running around worth it!  Love my girls and adore my husband.  And thank goodness for great in-laws who make every event so special!  Happy Halloween all!

Mama to two girls

Mama.

It was a daunting thought to me when i first read that positive on the pee stick.  I thought, "seriously? already? we only tried once! I agreed to start trying but i didn't think we would get so lucky. Can i really do this?" And i did and I am still doing it.

Some days i feel like a great mom, MOST days i feel like a shitty mom.  I don't spend enough time with my girls on the floor reading books and playing with their toys.  I don't take the time to pull out all my crafty items for Bella and Jules to create something.  I just can imagine the clean up and think, "gosh i'm so tired. maybe another day." I feed them, bathe them, and clothe them.  I hug them, kiss them, and hold them.  I tell them how much i love them and then I'll scold them for being too out of control. What's wrong with me on these days?

My girls are funny.  They are spunky and loud.  Bella isn't shy in the least bit and Julianna takes her time warming up to you.  She's leery, making sure you are someone she can really let loose around.  My girls know how to play.  They laugh with each other, mostly fight with each other.  And i'll sit back and look at them and think how darling they are.  But then i realize just that, I am just sitting back. Not in the mix, not down on the floor with them.  Not running crazy around the house chasing them.

I need to do better.  I need to be more active.  I need more ENERGY!!! Seriously, i always feel soo tired.  I put little effort into anything that has to do with me.  I don't work out anymore, my hair hasn't been blow dried or straighten in over 6 months, and half the time i run out of the house without looking in the mirror and i wonder what i'm wearing.  I love seeing those mom's that look like they have it all together.  I know everyone has their own deamons, but damn! The make it look easy.  Their hair is done, make up is perfect (I went 2 weeks without it once) and they look fantastic.  Like they spend their whole day in the gym.

I have to come to terms with the fact that i don't look like i used to ten years ago.  I am only 28 but i look like a tired old hag.  Even my husband made a comment the other day, in a nice way of course, "Hey I saw a picture of you when you graduated high school and you looked like a baby!" All i heard was, "Wow its only been ten years and you look tired, haggard and fatter!"  These are my own deamons i need to work past. I know that.  But what the hell happened in the last ten years? Really 5 years: I saw a picture of me when i graduated college and thought, "Was that only 5 years ago?"

My life shifted in a way i didn't think would until i was in my 30s, if ever.  But i love it. I love my girls and  most days i don't care if i don't do my hair.  But its those days that it does get to me that stings.

I wish i could be that mom.  Put together with little craft items for my girls to go at while we are out at restaurants.  Spending 2 hours in the gym before i work my full time job and then come home to make my family a home cooked meal.  Play with their dolls, read 2 books and have them bathed and in their beds before 8:30pm.  How do these mom's do it?  Tell me, is there a drug i can take?  Does this even happen anymore?

Ah, someday, my family. Someday i will have my shit together.

Julianna's Jabbers

• Dis (For "this" or any  other word she doesn't know how to articulate yet)
• Uuuuh-Oooh (when something falls)
• Beelll-uuhh (When she's looking for Bella around the house)
• Pup-pup (for puppy or Bruno specifically)
• Boh-no (for Bruno)
• Papa!!! (for food. we call it pa-pa)
• Des (sounds like "Dis" but means yes)
•  I do! I do! (she wants to do everything on her own now)
• Wooowww!

She is a doll and we love her so much!

Bella's Babbles

As Bobby and I are preparing to add another sweet darling face to our beautiful collection of gorgeous babies, Isabella has been growing up on us.  Her speech is of course much better and she is discovering new words daily.  But what keeps us laughing are the phrases she puts together and just the thought process of her little 3 year old mind.  Here are some that have kept us laughing for weeks:

• When i explained to Isabella that she may not have a baby brother but another baby sister instead, she says: "So we can take this one back? Or did you pay for it already?" as she points to little Julianna.
• "Mama, i am so soakin tired!" or "Mama, i am so soakin hungry!" or "Mama, i love you so soakin much!" She hasn't figured out that that term only makes sense when you say "soakin wet"
• Me: "Bella thank you for helping me!" Isabella: "So much mama." She doesn't get yet that we say "You're welcome" she thinks the correct term is "So much" I think she got this from, "Bella i love you so much!" Isabella: "So much mama!"
• Nana Sarah: "Isabella do you know your address?" Isabella: "My wedding dress!?!"
• "Mama, i love dada so much! He is sooo handsome. He's my husband and we're going to get married!"

I'll stop there for now.  But i'm sure i can go back and pull some more out! She keeps us laughing!

My pants are getting tighter

It's true. They are.  I wish i could post a picture to show you.  But i'm not brave enough.

The phrase, "Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits" is coming to mind.

Ho hum.

gettin there

Time is running out to see my two little girls running down the halls of our very first home.  I love to hear them conversing (mostly fighting) in the playroom.  Some of my best phrases are: "Julie, do you want to go play in my room?" and "Jules! Noooo! Stop pulling my hair!" and "Ok Juju, you wear this hat and I'll wear this dress, ok Juju?" And from Julianna: "Uuuuhh-oooh."  "Pup Pup"  "Beellll-uuuh....Bell-uh?"

I hope these days do not fade quickly from my memory.  The days our family of four all slept in one bedroom-Julianna in her pack-in-play (or our bed) and Isabella on her toddler cot (or our bed).  The days we do not have to climb stairs to crawl into bed.  The days where their bedrooms were just additional play rooms.

We have been busy packing up the house little by little.  We take breaks.  We take breaks a lot.  Our breaks last longer than our non-breaks.  Hmph.  I hate moving.  I hate packing and i hate unpacking.  I hate being so excited about the next big chapter in our lives only to be depressed about our lives changing once the time nears.

But i do love hearing Bella say, "Mama, are they still working on my new house?  When do we go again? Me and Juju are going to have the same room?"  I love that Bobby has done everything he can to get us into the place we so longed to live.  I love all the decorating plans i have in mind for the new home.  And i especially love how i will feel once we move in and are settled.  It will feel like our home and not like we are passing by.  I never felt that way in our current home.  I would make home improvements for the resale value only.  I knew it would only be our temporary home.  Even with all the memories, I knew we would walk away from it one day.  So we are gettin there...

Bella's Babbles

• Don't eat that dada, it's not chocolate. It's poop!
• Ewwww! Dis-tus-ting
• That's a must-a-mash (mustache) 
• Mama, put me back in your stomach and then I'll come out of your butt! (where babies come from)
• Mama, give me a cousin in there. (As she points to my stomach.  My sister and Bobby's sister is pregnant. She thinks all babies are cousins!)
• "Sexy and i know it!" (Thank you pop music.)
• What's happ-in-ing to me? (when something hurts :( )
• I have to go potty, and so does Ju Ju! (they have the same pee and poop schedule, no lie)
• Oh mama!!! My chones (underware)?? You washed them? Thank you Thank you! (As she holds them close and hugs me)
•  Whatcha doin? Mama, Whatcha doin?

My place is with you

Often, when love stories have progressed from the early days of absolute bliss, you enter a state of  "Is this really the one?"  Soon the questions begin: Is this the person i was meant to be with?  Is this the person i want to spend my life with?  More importantly, is the person I am when i'm with him, really me?  Is it the person i want to be?  Can he really love me forever?  Am I what he imagined?

I met you when i was twelve years old.  I thought i had everything figured out, as most pre-teens do, and i had my whole future planned.  I thought i would meet my one true love after i graduated college, if ever.  Certainly no one really serious ever enters someone's life until you have had a chance to grow and learn what kind of person you really are. 

Our age was always a factor to everyone else, and soon it became my worry as well.  I fought against us.  You don't find your soul mate when you're twelve years old.

You have been there at every stage of my ups and very lows.  Even when we were not together, we were together.  You were always there even when i didn't want you to be.  You knew me deeper than i knew myself.  And yet, you loved me.  You loved me and you still love me.  

I would imagine the cities i would live in.  The big career i would have.  The very important people i would meet.  These dreams made me happy.  They made me feel important.  As i mature, i know that my dreams lie with you.  No matter where we are.  My place is with you. 

You have given me my happiest moments.  You give me peace at the end of everyday.  You will give me all my dreams.  You have never said no to me, not once.  I hope i can make you smile the way you make my heart smile.  I hope that I am the wife you imagined i could be.  I hope that i am the mother to your girls that you can be proud of. 

I love every inch of you.  My soul reached for yours and it will never let go.  You make the days easy, you are so easy to love.  I love you. I love you. I love you.  Here's to Me & You. <3 

My Love,

"You are never far from me"

Happenings

One: The House
So, the house Bobby and I decided on is about to go vertical this week! Eek.  I get so excited about this new place that will hold so many of our family's events.  School mornings: hustling to get the girls dressed, fed and out the door with their homework!  Weekend BBQs: Bobby grilling at his outside kitchen, the girls chasing Bruno and the fresh squeezed lemonade in a glass pitcher (ok, maybe that fresh squeezed part was in an episode of Leave it to Beaver, but come on man, these are just my fantasies!) Holiday moments: Trolling the neighborhood for Halloween candy, girls watching Macy's Day Parade in the Family Room while i baste a turkey, waking on Christmas Morning to screams of delight as the girls find out that Santa ate all their cookies!  Now all i need is the energy, creativity and patience to create these memories for the girlies.  I can't wait to move in.  I am already selecting new furniture for the rooms!

Two: The Cruise
The time is nearing for our departure oversees!  We are busy booking excursions and memorizing the ship's decks.  I am starting to shop for the wardrobe now and I'm trying to get too carried away.  I know that dresses will be the main event since they are easy to roll up and what's easier than throwing on a dress and some sunny sandals?  I'm liking this look but i'm too cheap to buy all those accessories!

So this is where the cruise is at today.  Booking excursions and planning outfits!

Three: 4 year Anniversary!

This Thursday will mark 4 years for hubs and I.  This past Saturday he booked a room for us at a resort.  During the day we got massages and I got a facial.  Then we got ready and went out to eat.  We had wonderful recommendations of near by lounges we should try for after dinner cocktails.  We were ready for a night of boozing but instead we both decided on a movie!  We were back in our room by 12:00am!  We are such party animals. It was a great night though.  It was beautiful weather and our room was right on the golf course.  The next morning we had breakfast at the resort restaurant and dined outside by the lake.  It was a great view to enjoy omelets!  It was nice getting to spend a day with each other to rejuvenate for parenthood.

We are so wrapped up in the kid's well being and trying not to miss opportunities to have fun as a family, that we forget that its ok to be selfish and want it to just be us for a night.  I love to watch him hold our girls as they fall asleep, but it was nice to be back in those arms for a night.  He is the man i thought he would always be, though it still shocks me everyday how attentive he is and how hands-on he is with the girls.  I know I'm lucky to have him!

 *Photo taken by CV Photography

Four: My first race.

No excitement for this one.  I have not prepared myself.  On Saturday Bobby and I will be running the Pat Tillman race.  I should mention that Saturday will also mark the first 100 degree day here in lovely Phoenix.  I hope i make it through without dying of heat stroke or exhaustion.  Did I mention that it is only a 4.2 mile race? Yeah, I'm THAT out of shape. Wish me luck!  

Strength of my Love

Julianna,

You turned 1 year old last week.  We had a huge blowout for you and you were the perfect baby through it all.  Typically, littles your age are overwhelmed by the commotion and lack of sleep that a party brings.  You my dear, were not!  You took two naps during the party and you let everyone hold you without fussing.  You gave everyone that special smile and you even played with the big kids.  You looked like a pro when it came to hitting the piñata!  You grabbed the stick from Tata Robert and started banging it, while smiling of course!  When people sang "Happy Birthday" to you, you smiled and then politely clapped!  I made your cake, Strawberry Lemonade, and i think the icing was just a wee bit too tart for you!  You are a doll and you are so loved.

*Pictures taken by CV Photography

Happenings:
On the eve of your birthday, you took your first official stroll!!! We were very tired it was around 10:15pm.  We were just getting finished setting up for your party.  You were falling asleep in Nana Sarah's arms and then you got a burst of energy.  You wanted to be put down so that you could dance on the floor to the music playing.  A Michael Jackson song came on (now I can't even remember which one, I'll have to ask your dad) and you started bobbing your head and clapping your hands.  You stood up next to the table and started moving all around.  We felt it coming, I think your dad reached for his phone to take video and I even said out loud, "I should get my camera."  We could feel the big steps coming!  While still dancing, you looked at your dad and just decided to walk (at least 5 steps) to him.  You simply let go of the table and took off.  You had discovered a new mode of transportation, and for 15 minutes straight, you would take 5 or 6 steps and then fall, get back up, take another 5 or 6 steps and fall and get back up.  You were having such a good time!  And to think, we almost put you to bed moments before!

Little Babbles:

"Wassat?" (What's that?)
"Eh-Lo" (Hello?) you put the phone up to your ear for this one.
"hIIII!!!" You say this while tilting your head and trying to get someone's attention.
"Mama"
"daaa-daaa"
"Boh-no" (Bruno, your dog)
Pa-pa (this means food)
Baaaaa (When you saw the sheep at the farm)
You can say Nana and Tata.
I think your dad mention that you said "Tanks" once while he was changing your diaper. (You are so polite!)
You shake your head yes and no. (Actions sometimes speak louder than words)

Teeth:
None! You and your sister are both late bloomers in this area.

Favorites:
You love the Puppy Dog toy that sings and claps and makes all kinds of noise.
Anything your sister is playing with fascinates you.

You cannot go without your blanket.  Just like your big sis, you love to cuddle up with a blanket. Right now you like the really soft pink one but i am trying to incorporate others so you aren't too attached to one specific blanket.

Your favorite place to sleep at night is still our bed but you are getting better at sleeping in your pack n play positioned fairly close to mama!

Julianna, I never imagined loving you as much as I do!  I could not fathom loving another child as much as your sister. But I guess it is just another super power trait of mothers!  You are my joy in everyday.  When I see your sweet face my heart still melts.  I love holding you so tight and listening to you giggle as I nuzzle your neck. To me, you will always be my baby girl and I will always want to protect you from all foreign things.  But fight against me, live your dreams and make your voice heard!  

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. 

After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

A year's reflection

Where to begin?  Where to stop?  Many things have changed in this last year.  Many moments passed by so quickly I didn't even really live them.  Other moments felt like they would live on and on for eternity.

In the beginning, days and nights had no breaking point.  There was not a space in time that made us recognize one day from the next.  I sat in a solitary chair for what seemed like months.  I was sure I would get bed sores on my butt!  I envisioned eating all my meals in that one chair for the rest of my life, never to eat at the kitchen table again!  But those moments gave me the opportunity to study that sweet face.  To watch her body being nourished.  Those were the days that she was teaching me what each and every sound that she made, meant.  Those were the nights she was teaching me her favorite bed time songs.  Those were the nights I taught her to be a cuddler.  I would press her tight against me and hold her all night long.  Those were the nights that I memorized her sweet smell.  I think her scent will always be in my heart.

She grew and she grew...  When I went back to work after 6 short weeks, I of course was heart broken.  But also anxious to get back to work that was so fulfilling.  An 8am-5pm job that gave me such happiness during those hours and even more happiness that I did not have to bring work home with me. I was released to go home to my babies and Bobby and just be.  I was home in time for her evening feedings and home in time for the nightly bath.  It was fun to watch her move from her baby bath tub into the GIGANTIC ENORMOUSLY big girl bath tub with her older sister.  They splashed and shared (when i say shared, i mean i made Isabella give her back the toys!). She grew from an infant to a spongy baby!  From week 7 to month 9, I felt like i had missed everything about her.  Since i was back at work, i had no idea what time she went down for her morning nap or how long she napped for.  I didn't know if she liked her bottle as soon as she woke up or if she liked to wake up nice and slow.

But we had our nights!  I felt like we were in a secret society that met at night and told secrets while the rest of the family slept.  I'm sure she was just as tired as i was on those long nights, but she missed me and wanted to make up for the day's missed time together! Yeah, i'm sure it was just that!

Now, she is on the verge of walking.  She will turn 1 in one day.  She will play more self sufficiently with her sister and forget about all those longs nights she wanted only me.  Soon, she will be reaching out for her sister's hand (and i will smile, remembering the times i chased after my older sister's hand) begging her to let her tag along.  She is only turning one, but to me, this marks the end of her being solely dependent on her mama.  She is learning how to take her first steps into a life that I hope will bring her accomplishments, lessons learned, unbreakable friendships made, and good hard tears cried.  I want her to feel all that life is going to give her. She is a gentle soul, I hope this world will be gentle to her.

This year has not flown by, this year was lived in every waking hour.  Those hours were plentiful and a bond was created.  She has been a patient baby.  She has been a baby waiting to make her entrance.  I think this is the year for her. No more watching in sister's shadow as she commands the crowd's attention.  I think we are all about to meet a Julianna that has been waiting her turn.  Like i said, she is a patient baby and I love her with all my living being.

Searching for Home.

You know you're no longer young and hip when you don't worry about the closest bars or entertainment venues in your neighborhood, but rather, "What schools will my kids go to?" "Will there be kids in the neighborhood their age?" I feel like such a mama bird.  So, there is really only one location that i want to live in for this reason.  It doesn't hurt that the views are spectacular!  But this does mean i am going to have to say goodbye to my beloved West Side.  I guess "West Side til I die" wasn't so accurate!  Goodbye farm land, goodbye agriculture and all the smells that come with it!

Maybe my goodbyes are a little premature, but I'm trying to make piece of the fact that i will not be living in the house Bobby and I came home to after we said "I do." Or the house where little Isabella stumbled her first steps and baby Julianna nestled into her new family.  There are still negotiations to be made and paperwork to be signed on the new place but the plan is in motion. The time is approaching when we will have to say goodbye to our cozy little street where kids play outside and neighbors actually talk to each other! These walls have provided memories that will live in my heart.  A place where so many celebrations were had and stories told.  

When we moved into this home, we never anticipated to fall in love with it so much.  We thought we would have a couple of good "starter" years and we would be on our way.  But, so much has happened in the years that we occupied this space (My sister's wedding, the birth of our two girls, birthday and Halloween parties, old dogs and new dogs....the list goes on). It'll be hard to let go. I am going to soak in the next couple of months and hope that Julianna doesn't take her first steps quite yet.  Hopefully that will be a memory to be had  in our new home!

ONE. thing. at. a. time.

Many exciting things on the horizon for 2012.  This year my baby girl Julianna turns the big O-N-E at the end of March and, yes, I am already starting to plan for the big celebration.  She has brought so many smiles to our little piece of the world in this short year that went by at lighting speed!  She is crawling like a pro and pulling herself up to a standing position.  When she crawls after me (she is becoming very clingy lately) she tries standing up.  She pushes her butt in the air but can't seem to manage to let go of the floor with her hands.  She's almost there!

Then

Now

We are trying to schedule a family photoshoot/Julianna's 1yr shots with Bobby's cousin.  We hope to use these pictures for her invitation.  Still have not nailed down a theme yet but I think it is going to be Spring-esque.  She is my little Spring birdie.  I just can't believe the year is almost up!

This brings me to my next decision, do we wait one more year to work on baby number 3?  Bobby and I always imagined all our babies would be close in age.  We like the age gap we have now with the girlies but throwing another into the picture right now just seems a little crowded.  I would love to welcome another into our home but I have to keep in mind our support group.  We are lucky to have family that help us out A LOT with child care.  Currently, my sister and Bobby's sister is pregnant.  We are so happy to be getting more cousins for the girls but that does play on our decision to add another to our supportive family at this time.

Family of four

Just last night, I asked Bobby what his thoughts were and of course he said whatever I want, he is on board (love that man).  But ideally he thought we would wait until Julianna is 2 to start on #3.  Ok, I can definitely live with that.  But will i be in the same mind frame as i am in now?  I feel conditioned caring for a baby.  Our house is already set up for a newborn/infant/baby.  I'm scared that once i start putting things away (giving things away) i'll become comfortable with just the 2 toddlers.  I want another (maybe two) and i don't want to get comfortable with just two.  Plus, i am ADDICTED to being pregnant.  I love feeling the tiny flutters that grow into "Hey LADY! I'm in here!" punches.  So much to take into consideration.

I also want to go back to school to pursue a degree in Occupational Therapy.  Would child #3 be put on hold again? For what, 3 more years until i finish school?  Are my dreams too much for my family right now?  What's better, going to school now when their little or waiting until their going to school themselves?  That just doesn't seem realistic to me.  At this point, i feel like i need to let that dream go.  I really should have taken care of that before i had a family.

Also, we want to move into a new house.  How do we do that?  When is it a good time?  Is it financially responsible?  Where would we live?  I can't find a house that comes close to what we have now.  I love our house but want to live in a different neighborhood.  Can i just rent those "Wide load" trucks and move it?  How much would that be?

On a brighter note:  One of my dreams is coming true this year!  We are finally going on the Mediterranean Cruise!  We have our hotel booked and paid the deposit for the cruise! It's really happening.  I really did not think we would be doing this until well into our second lag in life.  I'm so excited!! Young and in love in Italy, Spain and France! Life is good!

Now, i have to stop worrying about what i don't have and enjoy what i do have.  The health of my babies and husband is what's important. Life is good indeed!