Friday, March 30, 2012

A year's reflection

Where to begin?  Where to stop?  Many things have changed in this last year.  Many moments passed by so quickly I didn't even really live them.  Other moments felt like they would live on and on for eternity.

In the beginning, days and nights had no breaking point.  There was not a space in time that made us recognize one day from the next.  I sat in a solitary chair for what seemed like months.  I was sure I would get bed sores on my butt!  I envisioned eating all my meals in that one chair for the rest of my life, never to eat at the kitchen table again!  But those moments gave me the opportunity to study that sweet face.  To watch her body being nourished.  Those were the days that she was teaching me what each and every sound that she made, meant.  Those were the nights she was teaching me her favorite bed time songs.  Those were the nights I taught her to be a cuddler.  I would press her tight against me and hold her all night long.  Those were the nights that I memorized her sweet smell.  I think her scent will always be in my heart.

She grew and she grew...  When I went back to work after 6 short weeks, I of course was heart broken.  But also anxious to get back to work that was so fulfilling.  An 8am-5pm job that gave me such happiness during those hours and even more happiness that I did not have to bring work home with me. I was released to go home to my babies and Bobby and just be.  I was home in time for her evening feedings and home in time for the nightly bath.  It was fun to watch her move from her baby bath tub into the GIGANTIC ENORMOUSLY big girl bath tub with her older sister.  They splashed and shared (when i say shared, i mean i made Isabella give her back the toys!). She grew from an infant to a spongy baby!  From week 7 to month 9, I felt like i had missed everything about her.  Since i was back at work, i had no idea what time she went down for her morning nap or how long she napped for.  I didn't know if she liked her bottle as soon as she woke up or if she liked to wake up nice and slow.

But we had our nights!  I felt like we were in a secret society that met at night and told secrets while the rest of the family slept.  I'm sure she was just as tired as i was on those long nights, but she missed me and wanted to make up for the day's missed time together! Yeah, i'm sure it was just that!

Now, she is on the verge of walking.  She will turn 1 in one day.  She will play more self sufficiently with her sister and forget about all those longs nights she wanted only me.  Soon, she will be reaching out for her sister's hand (and i will smile, remembering the times i chased after my older sister's hand) begging her to let her tag along.  She is only turning one, but to me, this marks the end of her being solely dependent on her mama.  She is learning how to take her first steps into a life that I hope will bring her accomplishments, lessons learned, unbreakable friendships made, and good hard tears cried.  I want her to feel all that life is going to give her. She is a gentle soul, I hope this world will be gentle to her.

This year has not flown by, this year was lived in every waking hour.  Those hours were plentiful and a bond was created.  She has been a patient baby.  She has been a baby waiting to make her entrance.  I think this is the year for her. No more watching in sister's shadow as she commands the crowd's attention.  I think we are all about to meet a Julianna that has been waiting her turn.  Like i said, she is a patient baby and I love her with all my living being.

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