Monday, October 8, 2012

Mama to two girls


It was a daunting thought to me when i first read that positive on the pee stick.  I thought, "seriously? already? we only tried once! I agreed to start trying but i didn't think we would get so lucky. Can i really do this?" And i did and I am still doing it.

Some days i feel like a great mom, MOST days i feel like a shitty mom.  I don't spend enough time with my girls on the floor reading books and playing with their toys.  I don't take the time to pull out all my crafty items for Bella and Jules to create something.  I just can imagine the clean up and think, "gosh i'm so tired. maybe another day." I feed them, bathe them, and clothe them.  I hug them, kiss them, and hold them.  I tell them how much i love them and then I'll scold them for being too out of control. What's wrong with me on these days?

My girls are funny.  They are spunky and loud.  Bella isn't shy in the least bit and Julianna takes her time warming up to you.  She's leery, making sure you are someone she can really let loose around.  My girls know how to play.  They laugh with each other, mostly fight with each other.  And i'll sit back and look at them and think how darling they are.  But then i realize just that, I am just sitting back. Not in the mix, not down on the floor with them.  Not running crazy around the house chasing them.

I need to do better.  I need to be more active.  I need more ENERGY!!! Seriously, i always feel soo tired.  I put little effort into anything that has to do with me.  I don't work out anymore, my hair hasn't been blow dried or straighten in over 6 months, and half the time i run out of the house without looking in the mirror and i wonder what i'm wearing.  I love seeing those mom's that look like they have it all together.  I know everyone has their own deamons, but damn! The make it look easy.  Their hair is done, make up is perfect (I went 2 weeks without it once) and they look fantastic.  Like they spend their whole day in the gym.

I have to come to terms with the fact that i don't look like i used to ten years ago.  I am only 28 but i look like a tired old hag.  Even my husband made a comment the other day, in a nice way of course, "Hey I saw a picture of you when you graduated high school and you looked like a baby!" All i heard was, "Wow its only been ten years and you look tired, haggard and fatter!"  These are my own deamons i need to work past. I know that.  But what the hell happened in the last ten years? Really 5 years: I saw a picture of me when i graduated college and thought, "Was that only 5 years ago?"

My life shifted in a way i didn't think would until i was in my 30s, if ever.  But i love it. I love my girls and  most days i don't care if i don't do my hair.  But its those days that it does get to me that stings.

I wish i could be that mom.  Put together with little craft items for my girls to go at while we are out at restaurants.  Spending 2 hours in the gym before i work my full time job and then come home to make my family a home cooked meal.  Play with their dolls, read 2 books and have them bathed and in their beds before 8:30pm.  How do these mom's do it?  Tell me, is there a drug i can take?  Does this even happen anymore?

Ah, someday, my family. Someday i will have my shit together.