Mama to two girls

Mama.

It was a daunting thought to me when i first read that positive on the pee stick.  I thought, "seriously? already? we only tried once! I agreed to start trying but i didn't think we would get so lucky. Can i really do this?" And i did and I am still doing it.

Some days i feel like a great mom, MOST days i feel like a shitty mom.  I don't spend enough time with my girls on the floor reading books and playing with their toys.  I don't take the time to pull out all my crafty items for Bella and Jules to create something.  I just can imagine the clean up and think, "gosh i'm so tired. maybe another day." I feed them, bathe them, and clothe them.  I hug them, kiss them, and hold them.  I tell them how much i love them and then I'll scold them for being too out of control. What's wrong with me on these days?

My girls are funny.  They are spunky and loud.  Bella isn't shy in the least bit and Julianna takes her time warming up to you.  She's leery, making sure you are someone she can really let loose around.  My girls know how to play.  They laugh with each other, mostly fight with each other.  And i'll sit back and look at them and think how darling they are.  But then i realize just that, I am just sitting back. Not in the mix, not down on the floor with them.  Not running crazy around the house chasing them.

I need to do better.  I need to be more active.  I need more ENERGY!!! Seriously, i always feel soo tired.  I put little effort into anything that has to do with me.  I don't work out anymore, my hair hasn't been blow dried or straighten in over 6 months, and half the time i run out of the house without looking in the mirror and i wonder what i'm wearing.  I love seeing those mom's that look like they have it all together.  I know everyone has their own deamons, but damn! The make it look easy.  Their hair is done, make up is perfect (I went 2 weeks without it once) and they look fantastic.  Like they spend their whole day in the gym.

I have to come to terms with the fact that i don't look like i used to ten years ago.  I am only 28 but i look like a tired old hag.  Even my husband made a comment the other day, in a nice way of course, "Hey I saw a picture of you when you graduated high school and you looked like a baby!" All i heard was, "Wow its only been ten years and you look tired, haggard and fatter!"  These are my own deamons i need to work past. I know that.  But what the hell happened in the last ten years? Really 5 years: I saw a picture of me when i graduated college and thought, "Was that only 5 years ago?"

My life shifted in a way i didn't think would until i was in my 30s, if ever.  But i love it. I love my girls and  most days i don't care if i don't do my hair.  But its those days that it does get to me that stings.

I wish i could be that mom.  Put together with little craft items for my girls to go at while we are out at restaurants.  Spending 2 hours in the gym before i work my full time job and then come home to make my family a home cooked meal.  Play with their dolls, read 2 books and have them bathed and in their beds before 8:30pm.  How do these mom's do it?  Tell me, is there a drug i can take?  Does this even happen anymore?

Ah, someday, my family. Someday i will have my shit together.

Julianna's Jabbers

• Dis (For "this" or any  other word she doesn't know how to articulate yet)
• Uuuuh-Oooh (when something falls)
• Beelll-uuhh (When she's looking for Bella around the house)
• Pup-pup (for puppy or Bruno specifically)
• Boh-no (for Bruno)
• Papa!!! (for food. we call it pa-pa)
• Des (sounds like "Dis" but means yes)
•  I do! I do! (she wants to do everything on her own now)
• Wooowww!

She is a doll and we love her so much!

Bella's Babbles

As Bobby and I are preparing to add another sweet darling face to our beautiful collection of gorgeous babies, Isabella has been growing up on us.  Her speech is of course much better and she is discovering new words daily.  But what keeps us laughing are the phrases she puts together and just the thought process of her little 3 year old mind.  Here are some that have kept us laughing for weeks:

• When i explained to Isabella that she may not have a baby brother but another baby sister instead, she says: "So we can take this one back? Or did you pay for it already?" as she points to little Julianna.
• "Mama, i am so soakin tired!" or "Mama, i am so soakin hungry!" or "Mama, i love you so soakin much!" She hasn't figured out that that term only makes sense when you say "soakin wet"
• Me: "Bella thank you for helping me!" Isabella: "So much mama." She doesn't get yet that we say "You're welcome" she thinks the correct term is "So much" I think she got this from, "Bella i love you so much!" Isabella: "So much mama!"
• Nana Sarah: "Isabella do you know your address?" Isabella: "My wedding dress!?!"
• "Mama, i love dada so much! He is sooo handsome. He's my husband and we're going to get married!"

I'll stop there for now.  But i'm sure i can go back and pull some more out! She keeps us laughing!

My pants are getting tighter

It's true. They are.  I wish i could post a picture to show you.  But i'm not brave enough.

The phrase, "Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits" is coming to mind.

Ho hum.

gettin there

Time is running out to see my two little girls running down the halls of our very first home.  I love to hear them conversing (mostly fighting) in the playroom.  Some of my best phrases are: "Julie, do you want to go play in my room?" and "Jules! Noooo! Stop pulling my hair!" and "Ok Juju, you wear this hat and I'll wear this dress, ok Juju?" And from Julianna: "Uuuuhh-oooh."  "Pup Pup"  "Beellll-uuuh....Bell-uh?"

I hope these days do not fade quickly from my memory.  The days our family of four all slept in one bedroom-Julianna in her pack-in-play (or our bed) and Isabella on her toddler cot (or our bed).  The days we do not have to climb stairs to crawl into bed.  The days where their bedrooms were just additional play rooms.

We have been busy packing up the house little by little.  We take breaks.  We take breaks a lot.  Our breaks last longer than our non-breaks.  Hmph.  I hate moving.  I hate packing and i hate unpacking.  I hate being so excited about the next big chapter in our lives only to be depressed about our lives changing once the time nears.

But i do love hearing Bella say, "Mama, are they still working on my new house?  When do we go again? Me and Juju are going to have the same room?"  I love that Bobby has done everything he can to get us into the place we so longed to live.  I love all the decorating plans i have in mind for the new home.  And i especially love how i will feel once we move in and are settled.  It will feel like our home and not like we are passing by.  I never felt that way in our current home.  I would make home improvements for the resale value only.  I knew it would only be our temporary home.  Even with all the memories, I knew we would walk away from it one day.  So we are gettin there...

Bella's Babbles

• Don't eat that dada, it's not chocolate. It's poop!
• Ewwww! Dis-tus-ting
• That's a must-a-mash (mustache) 
• Mama, put me back in your stomach and then I'll come out of your butt! (where babies come from)
• Mama, give me a cousin in there. (As she points to my stomach.  My sister and Bobby's sister is pregnant. She thinks all babies are cousins!)
• "Sexy and i know it!" (Thank you pop music.)
• What's happ-in-ing to me? (when something hurts :( )
• I have to go potty, and so does Ju Ju! (they have the same pee and poop schedule, no lie)
• Oh mama!!! My chones (underware)?? You washed them? Thank you Thank you! (As she holds them close and hugs me)
•  Whatcha doin? Mama, Whatcha doin?

My place is with you

Often, when love stories have progressed from the early days of absolute bliss, you enter a state of  "Is this really the one?"  Soon the questions begin: Is this the person i was meant to be with?  Is this the person i want to spend my life with?  More importantly, is the person I am when i'm with him, really me?  Is it the person i want to be?  Can he really love me forever?  Am I what he imagined?

I met you when i was twelve years old.  I thought i had everything figured out, as most pre-teens do, and i had my whole future planned.  I thought i would meet my one true love after i graduated college, if ever.  Certainly no one really serious ever enters someone's life until you have had a chance to grow and learn what kind of person you really are. 

Our age was always a factor to everyone else, and soon it became my worry as well.  I fought against us.  You don't find your soul mate when you're twelve years old.

You have been there at every stage of my ups and very lows.  Even when we were not together, we were together.  You were always there even when i didn't want you to be.  You knew me deeper than i knew myself.  And yet, you loved me.  You loved me and you still love me.  

I would imagine the cities i would live in.  The big career i would have.  The very important people i would meet.  These dreams made me happy.  They made me feel important.  As i mature, i know that my dreams lie with you.  No matter where we are.  My place is with you. 

You have given me my happiest moments.  You give me peace at the end of everyday.  You will give me all my dreams.  You have never said no to me, not once.  I hope i can make you smile the way you make my heart smile.  I hope that I am the wife you imagined i could be.  I hope that i am the mother to your girls that you can be proud of. 

I love every inch of you.  My soul reached for yours and it will never let go.  You make the days easy, you are so easy to love.  I love you. I love you. I love you.  Here's to Me & You. <3 

My Love,

"You are never far from me"